There are few villains in cinema more iconic than Michael Myers. From his misshapen William Shatner mask to his trademark kitchen knife, mere suggestions of these images are enough to send chills down the spines of generations of Americans, even for those who haven’t seen the Halloween films themselves. The theme song for the series, too, composed by series creator John Carpenter, serves as a near-satiric musical stand-in for horror tropes nowadays. Given all of this, one can understand my high expectations going into the franchise for the first time this October - I expected a well-crafted slasher series that became increasingly fantastical and campy as time went on, as these multi-generational horror sagas are apt to do. Needless to say, that is not at all what I received. I’ll be honest with you from the start: I don’t like Halloween very much. There’s only one film out of the thirteen that I can say with confidence that I believe is a good movie (and it’s certainly not the one you’d expect). I recognize that a lot of my opinions here will be quite controversial for any Halloween devotees, but hear me out: as I go through each film of the series, I’m going to try to justify to you in this article why the 1978 original is one of the worst films in the series, why Halloween: Resurrection is really not that bad, and perhaps most upsetting of all, why the recent David Gordon Green trilogy actually succeeds in modernizing the franchise. Ready?

Halloween (1978)

Okay, maybe I was exaggerating a bit in the introduction to grab your attention - this isn’t a bad movie. I definitely don’t think it deserves half the acclaim it receives, but for a low-budget, DIY slasher, it could be a whole lot worse. The film is effective in some aspects: it’s well-acted, features a killer soundtrack (haha), and contains one or two suspenseful sequences. But for the most part, my problem with Halloween comes down to the fact that it’s simply not scary. Michael Myers just isn’t very menacing. He’s just a guy who walks quite slowly with a knife and is good at hiding behind doors. He’s pretty funny too - remember that scene with the sunglasses and bedsheet? But not once does he come across as a threat to the viewer despite John Carpenter’s desperate attempts to paint him as a cold-blooded killer. Maybe it’s because of the film’s age and the fact that it inspired practically every other slasher film made since, but Halloween just doesn’t have any bite to it. It’s disappointingly minimalistic and tame, resulting in an underwhelming, underbaked 90 minutes of some guy walking around with a knife in a silly mask.

Halloween II (1981)

Oh, you didn’t think Michael Myers wandering the suburbs was scary? Ok, but what if he wandered around a hospital instead? Sorry Halloween II, but you’re even less interesting. Taking place the same night as the original as Michael hunts down Laurie Strode in the hospital while she recovers from her injuries, Halloween II takes the few good things about the original and does away with them in favor of more blood and cinematography that looks like it was inspired by those weird live-action direct-to-video Disney films of the aughts. It has the same narrative beats as the original, just transplanted into a hospital. One good thing about the film: it introduces the infamous plot twist of Laurie and Michael being siblings. Although this twist is frequently derided by fans of the franchise, I think it’s an interesting idea that, despite not being explored very deeply in the main canon, adds some much-needed depth to the mythos.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

What the hell is this? Where’s Michael Myers? You’re telling me he’s not in this one? Maybe it’ll be good then! Nope. No way. Absolutely not. Easily the worst entry in the franchise at this point, Halloween III takes the series in a wildly different direction and get rids of any slasher tropes in favor of a weird, unintelligible story about evil masks, pagan rituals, Stonehenge, microchips and… leprechauns? Frankly, I would struggle to explain the plot of this film, not because it is so complex, but because it is so absurdly dumb that it defies all reasoning. I almost have to respect the film for being so audacious and fully committed to the art of crafting convoluted nonsense. Almost. I never thought I would say this, but I cannot wait for Michael Myers to come back.

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

Ah, Michael’s back, thank God. Can’t wait for more lackluster kills and boring characters backed by a banging soundtrack. Wait, hold on… this one’s not too bad! So 95% of this is the same meaningless, emotionless, scare-less slop that plagued the first two films of the series. But that ending! Maybe the only time the series manages to genuinely shock (though perhaps not scare) is Michael’s quasi-possession of his niece. That's another point where I differ from the crowd consensus on Halloween: I really don’t mind the supernatural elements alluded to in some sequels. In fact, as with the sibling twist, I think it adds a much-needed element of mystery to the Michael Myers lore. Surely the series will capitalize on this improved direction!

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

Hahahaha. They didn’t. Wow.

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Well, it’s better than Revenge. I watched this one mere weeks ago, yet I fail to remember a single thing from the film apart from Michael electrocuting someone. And there’s a Druid cult. And it felt vaguely enjoyable, which is more than can be said of most of these films!

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

Now we’re back on track. Somewhat. While not among the best of the franchise, H20 arrives with cozy autumn vibes and some genuine suspense that the series hadn’t seen until this point. It’s a surprisingly funny film too with LL Cool J (of all people) delivering a solid performance as a bumbling security guard. Jamie Lee Curtis returns, too, for the first time since Halloween II, and, while her performance comes off as a bit phoned in, it’s nice to see her reprise her iconic role as Laurie Strode, who now runs a New England boarding school. It’s an ultimately inconsequential entry in the franchise, as the ending was later retconned, but at this point, I’m just glad to see a competently assembled entry in this already spent series.

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Generally regarded as the worst film in the franchise, I’m proud to say that I thoroughly enjoyed Halloween: Resurrection. Yes, it’s incredibly stupid. Yes, the acting is abysmal. Yes, the plot makes no sense. But on some indescribable level, this film just works for me. I think it’s the unabashed goofiness and clear passion for the franchise that makes it so enjoyable; compared to the cynicism of the rest of the sequels, it’s a refreshing change of pace. I mean, there’s a scene in this where Busta Rhymes dropkicks Michael Myers out of a third-story window and shouts “Trick or treat, motherfucker!”. Or how about the scene when a character chases Michael Myers with a knife and asks “You like sushi, bitch?” Or when Busta Rhymes dresses up as Michael Myers, yells at the real Michael Myers to stop messing around, and the real Michael Myers just walks away in confusion? Busta Rhymes is great in this. How can you not love this movie?

Halloween (2007)

Wait, didn’t I watch this one already? No? Well, if you say so. The first of two remakes/reboots/requels of the original 1978 Halloween, Rob Zombie’s 2007 version is easily one of the best films of the entire franchise. Forgoing the minimalistic restraint (or laziness) of the original in favor of a gritty, realist, borderline exploitative origin story for Michael Myers that grounds the character in real humanity, as opposed to the faceless, meaningless figure of previous entries. The first half of the film, showcasing Michael’s upbringing, is where Zombie really shows off his writing and directing skills. The second half, while competently made, comes off as overly reverent to the original, with added blood for post-Y2K audiences. While this film is a solid ode to the original with Zombie’s trademark quirks, Halloween II would soon blow it out of the water.

Halloween II (2009)

One of my most controversial film opinions: Rob Zombie’s Halloween II is not only the best Halloween film by a mile, but it is also one of the best horror movies ever made, period. It is one of the most heinous critical crimes of the 21st century that this film has a 25% on Rotten Tomatoes. I’ll admit that it’s not a perfect movie and Rob Zombie crafts quite a confrontational story, but the sheer ambition of this film has to be respected. Instead of telling the usual Halloween tale, Halloween II is instead a moving depiction of survivor’s guilt, grief, and the endurance of love through the lens of Laurie and Michael’s strange relationship. There are some surreal sequences in this that are among the most moving I’ve ever seen - particularly those involving a certain white horse. While I don’t love the Halloween franchise as a whole, I’m grateful that I can wholeheartedly recommend Rob Zombie’s duology as one of the most innovative, emotional, and strange chapters in modern horror.

Halloween (2018)

Another instance of my tendency for horror sacrilege: the original Halloween is the worst of the three films with that title. Of course, that’s not to say David Gordon Green’s Halloween is a great movie. It’s not bad. It’s just one of those movies that exists and is enjoyable to watch but leaves no lasting impression. The cast and crew all do a fine job crafting a respectable requel to Carpenter’s original while leaving room for the characters to grow (theoretically, at least) in the next two films. One thing I love about this film, though: it fully understands that the Halloween theme is the best part of the entire franchise and is not afraid to use it nearly to the point of parody.

Halloween Kills (2021)

Easily the worst film in the most recent Halloween incarnation, Halloween Kills does absolutely nothing to move the plot forward. Laurie Strode and her family are hardly in the movie apart from a meaningless hospital subplot that calls back to the very first Halloween sequel. The bulk of the film centers around side characters introduced in the beginning of this film who are given the personalities of a one-panel comic strip, designed only to be impaled by some sharp object, courtesy of Mr. Myers. If you’re looking for some mildly creative kill scenes, I suppose you could do worse than Halloween Kills, but if you want even a knife blade’s breadth of heart or intelligence in your film, turn back and stick with Rob Zombie.

Halloween Ends (2022)

Finally! We’re done - it even says it right there in the title to congratulate us on slogging our way through this pathetic franchise. And what an ending. Combining the best and worst of the entire series, David Gordon Green’s final chapter is an ambitious, nonsensical, admirable mess of a film. Forgoing the traditional Halloween formula in favor of a story of young love, miscommunication, and another quasi-possession, the film rarely works as either a cohesive narrative or in extending the franchise lore, but there a few story beats here that really impress. The ending, especially, is surprisingly cathartic; who would’ve thought that disposing of Michael Myers’ body in an industrial-grade shredder would come off as an appropriate ending to the franchise and be not nearly as stupid as it sounds? I sincerely hope that Halloween Ends is the final, relatively enjoyable, dying breath of this long-spent series. But seeing how things have gone so far, it’s not looking great.

Do I regret spending a month watching the Halloween franchise? I don’t think so. With the exception of one or two films, do I wish to see any of these ever again? Absolutely not. While there are a couple worthwhile films in the bunch, the vast majority of the Halloween films are regurgitated slasher tropes fed through the mythos of the first film so that there’s a remote semblance of genre credibility to the vapidity. With that being said, I want to divide the series into three tiers to provide some guidance on which are worth your time.

Worth a Watch:

1. Rob Zombie’s Halloween II

I Mean, You Do You:

1. Rob Zombie’s Halloween

2. Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

3. David Gordon Green’s Halloween

4. Halloween

5. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

6. Halloween Ends

7. Halloween: Resurrection

8. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

Avoid at All Costs:

1. Halloween II

2. Halloween Kills

3. Halloween III: Season of the Witch

4. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

I hope my journey through this franchise can serve as a cautionary tale for any viewers considering a foray into the annals of Michael Myers’s sorry lore. For your own sake (and for the sake of all viewers who might have to put up with new entries if studio executives catch a whiff of renewed interest), I strongly suggest you steer clear of Halloween.

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